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When ignorance hurts


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14 replies to this topic

#1
Kori

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Hey guys, I'm really very sorry to bring this kind of topic to the board - if it gets out of hand, or if it shouldn't be brought up for the greater peace on the board, then I humbly ask the admins to take appropriate action.

Anyway...

My sister got to know a guy online - a very popular, well-known, well-liked artist, made famous in a particular fandom. They enjoyed talking and chatting and such, and found they had a lot in common. They thought of the possibility of meeting in person in the future, and swapped pictures.

This is where the poop hits the fan.

Quite abruptly, he outright told her that his "interest" in her dropped to neutral, and he would like to remain acquaintances only. Why? Not because of a disagreement. Not because of the distance.

Because he always saw himself with a white girl.

And he TOLD her this - he is not ashamed of being honest about it.

Now understandably, she's been hurt quite badly by this, and our family and friends are giving her nothing but support. I personally sent this guy a message, sternly explaining the reason for our offence, and he simply told me to be realistic and grow up. He did finally say sorry to her the other day, but doesn't seem to show any remorse for his opinion.

My sister's slowly doing better, but I can tell it still bothers her. He's one of the most popular fanartists in this particular fandom (and no, it's not NiGHTS), and she's lost the inspiration to draw and animate for now. She's coming to animation school with me next year, and I hope she finds her muse before then!

I mean... we've done all we can without starting an all-out flame war with this guy - and he has a nasty rep of getting into trouble, being a brat about things, and still coming out on top. I've always believed that the Powers That Be will take action for us, whether we see it ourselves or not. (Need I mention Tiger Woods? No matter how squeaky clean you seem, if you've got issues, you're gonna fall hard!) But the pain's still there - it's not going to leave me or my sister right away. I like to think that I've been doing a good job keeping level-headed about all this, but every so often, I get so angry that I can't think of anything else for five minutes.

I trust you guys - you've given some great advice and encouragement to others, and of all the online communities I've seen, this is... this is a solid foundation. :) What do you think of all this?

Again, I apologize for the grim topic, especially when we should be concentrating on NiGHTS... I guess group-reassurance is what I'm kinda craving at the moment. Um, like I said, if this shouldn't be brought up, feel free to lock it down - I know how touchy it can get.

Thank you in advance for reading, and for offering any and all advice - I honestly appreciate it. :)

#2
andersam

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I totally understand somehow, And it's Always nice just to vent.

I'm proud of how you have such a controlled realistic view of the situation.

The reason I like the internet Is because you can talk to people without judgeing them based on shape, size or ethnicity, because most of the time you never know. True, people are jerks, and true, people can sometimes just make you want to slap them into next Tuesday. And I really don't want to sound like one of thouse sadistic people who just repeat the same thing over and over, but I do have to say this:
"whatever dosen't kill you makes you stronger"

Of course, I have yet to have my heart broken (hopefully that wil never happen) So I cannot say I'm the most qualifyed person to give advice...

But hey, Tell your sister she's in my thoughts ("Hey sis! some random girl on the internet supports you, k?" XD) And that I Myself dream of going to animation school, so just the fact that she's going inspires me to pursue my animation dream!

#3
Saifer Dracondrali

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Poor Girl...
I've seen stuff like this happen more than once and I feel her pain...
People like this boy are merely immature brats who drool over physical specifics then end up getting married then divorced (sometimes regularly) presenting themselves as a witless source of income for others... (and this is me being nice...)
Situations like this are best viewed as a learning exp. lots of people these days are idiots... Personally, I think it's good that she experienced this so early on in her life... I know someone who plans to marry someone else, and the relationship sounds bad... BUT the best thing is to live and learn...
What I suggest? do leave him alone, trust me... he'll get what's coming to him that's more than what you can EVER do to him yourself... so that's something to look forward too...
Make sure you comfort your sister and give her my regards, it's a tough time to go through and if she really liked him she will have lasting sorrows... which may last for a long time but the worst of it should be over in around 6 months...
Make sure she's not considering suicide, as it does go through people's minds but if she's strong willed then there should be no problem...
Make sure everything you say to her is serious... if she does consider the above, DON"T sugar coat it... make sure she knows it's a bad idea...
Anyways... if either of you need assistance with this further or anything else please feel free to pm me...
That's all for now...

#4
Nemoide

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Oddly enough, I was thinking about this sort of thing earlier today. "Is it racist to refuse to couple yourself with a certain race?" (I like to get into mental debates with myself.) The best answer I could come up with was "probably but it's not harmful enough to get worked up over." After all, people are attracted to who they are attracted to and nobody has the right to force "romantic affirmative action."

Clearly this individual is very much closed-minded, which is NO GOOD in my book. This guy is sabotaging his own chance for happiness by limiting himself in this way and I imagine he'll end up worse off for it down the line. (I like to believe in karma sometimes?) Your sister is probably better off without such a guy.
I imagine she will get better and start drawing again once she finds other things to occupy her mind with? Sadly, the most comfort I can honestly offer would be to state that "pain is a part of life and a lot of people are ignorant jerkwads." (Which of course is probably not all that comforting...)

#5
Dex la Cabra

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can we beat the racist? >=D i mean, if he liked her personality and such before, then i see no reason bar racism....scummy scum scum is he, race aint important in the least, why judge someone by complexion, tis the same as judging someone by their shoe size, it's not important, it's never going to be important, so why bother DX

tell yar sister Kori that i give my condolences! (?) that's right, i'm demanding you do it! XD cause i have no power but it's fun to pretend!

#6
WATERLiLYCAT

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I tried writing something here, but it got too long, and fumy, and the people above all say it much better. I say this guy deserves his dream white girl, and may she steal his credit cards and his kidneys.
Okay, well, maybe not his kidneys.

I hope your sister cheers up and gets her inspiration soon C:

#7
Level 99

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I am unfortunately one of the more jaded individuals I know, though I try not to let it show at all. The world is full of complete douches and tools, but the way you're handling the situation is amazing. There's only one person I know of who gets my blood to a boil just by even thinking about them, so the fact that you confronted him in some way without completely losing your temper is great. Your sister should hold her head high, and take solace in the fact that she didn't waste any extra second of time or effort on someone undeserving of her attention. She didn't hang on after the revelation took place, and that's good. It may hurt, as many things do, but she'll be stronger for it. We're all stronger for the trials we go through. And she shouldn't stop drawing because of it, she should be inspired to compensate for the pain by drawing and animating things truly astounding.

Also, take into consideration that some people are the way they are due to factors outside themselves. Their upbringing and their environment can play a key role. I'm not defending what he did, just justifying a possible scenario. It doesn't make the pain any less, but it may lessen the anger a little. You can feel empathy for that person for their narrow mind and feel happy that they'll not know the happiness of being close with your sister. You're both levels above that guy, and he isn't even worth the effort of thought or anger at this point. Y'all will get through this for sure, and things will be better before you know it.

#8
Noctourne Wonderland

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I hope your sister is feeling better. Some guy shouldn't ruin her love of art!

I see where this guy is coming from, though- some people just don't find certain traits attractive. Does this make him right to upset your sister? No, but as with any situation, everyone's motivation has to be considered. From the information I have, he does not sound "racist" to me, he just finds certain traits better than others. If something so superficial as skin can make or break a decision for him, though, he's setting himself up for disappointment. But telling you to "be realistic and grow up"? That's just rude.

My point is that this guy made a really dumb decision. I don't think it's a personal afront to your sister; I'm sure she's beautiful. She needs someone who doesn't care about appearences so much. :)

#9
SmashQueen

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After reading through all the posts, I can safely say that I had the image of NiGHTS saying some comforting words about all this in a scenario. (I'm always thinking of scenarios, some are easier to create...like this one.) I'd put the dialogue, but so far it's only... I think maybe 4 lines long and I like things to not stop so abruptly. I don't care how famous one is, one receives no respect from Smashy when judging like this. My first friend a looooong time ago at school had a mother like this...only the situation was reversed and she told my friend not to play with me anymore. (Although we did still play...we just decided to leave her mother out of it. Sneaky, yes. Fun, yes. Shameful? ...Eeehhhhhhh I'll get back to you on that. Not shameful but...more dishonest about leaving her mom out of the loop.)

I'm callin' this guy Gigglebunnies. Makes no sense and it's a reference no one will get (WIP fanfic, OC dubs that as a nickname for a ruthless boss), but I'm callin' the guy Gigglebunnies. Kori, mind telling your sister that she deserves better than that jerk? If one can't look past a simple thing like skin color (okay, simple thing to me that doesn't matter), then one has a narrow mind that should be confiscated by the - ... *thinks of suitable substitute* Confiscated by aliens for research (being nice about that).

I'm sorry about what happened to your sister. There are idiots everywhere and it's never pleasant running into them. Maybe... You know, if it'd make her feel better, have your sister write out her frustration. Then toss/burn/tear up/etc. the paper when she's done venting and feeling better. Then again I've never had my heart broken. I just manage to keep negative away when possible.

Jeez... You know, I'll slowly work on that NiGHTS dialogue. If you're interested in knowing what's slowly being formed, just PM me. Probably won't get far, but it helps to work out the urge to RP the likes of Gigglebunnies in the Nights Dim- no, scratch that, place him in my last nightmare. *shudder* Pyramid Head...like...thing... o_o

Edit: Well...got several posts below Kisuke. Ah well. That's what I get for taking off for some time to think and cool down.

#10
Penelopi

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I'm so sorry for what's happened to your sister, Kori. No one deserves something like that, though with all the biases and selfishness in this world it's impossible to not come across that kind of cruelty at some point. Tell your sister that that guy's not worth giving up her art over!

It makes me mad when people are racist like that. Seriously, no matter what physical attraction occurs, personality is more important, because when you're old and gray that's all you'll have. I guess that guy will figure it out the hard way. And he's telling her to grow up? He's not being realistic by expecting random internet people he meets to be white, for one thing. For another, he's being immature by relying so much on his eyes to judge a person. That only works in fairy tales.

Heartbreak hurts a lot. :) Kori, tell your sister I totally feel for her and hope she finds someone eventually who sees her for nothing but herself. Just as long as she realizes there's nothing wrong with her just because one guy is racist, and that there are plenty more fish out in the sea, she'll pull through. Life is still good, exciting, and worth living without that boy.

#11
Kori

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You guys... thank you. :) Thank you so much! I wanna hug you all!

I don't feel quite as mad as I did just yesterday - I didn't even entertain the notion of "what if I ran into him at a convention?" and visualize sweet revenge. XD You all helped calm me down a lot, and I passed along all of the messages my sister hadn't read yet - she sends everyone her thanks and appreciation. :3

The best thing? She was sketching just before going to bed! And lemme tell ya, even as a rough sketch, the picture she has is stupendous! :)

And I should mention, y'all reminded me of a dream I had the night before, and I didn't realize its significance until then. In the dream, we'd bought a bunch of groceries, and we had this HUGE watermelon - bright, ripe, absolutely perfect to the critical eye! I took a piece - and just before I could take a bite, the fruit vanished from the rind. O_o; All that was left were the little pink bits that you leave behind - and suddenly, those bits turned black and rotten!

I looked inside the rest of the watermelon, and the same thing happened! No fruit was left, just rot and rind! So we promptly tossed it out the window.

Methinks that this Gigglebunnies (ROTFL) was the watermelon - he seemed like a good egg, but we were sorely disappointed. I looked up "garbage" in my dream dictionary, and it mentioned that compost could be the start of something new.

Gawd I love dreams like this! |D

On that note, Smashy, I'd love to see that RP convo! I'm a sucker for that sort of writing myself. :3 And I concur Nocturne, there's nothing wrong with having a preference, but to shut someone completely out because of looks is quite shallow, and ultimately, it'll be his loss. (Heck, it already is! XD)

I wanna thank each of you by name, but since I'm sneaking on at work, I'm a little short on time. ^^; Just know that you have our thanks, appreciation, respect, and all that good stuff! :D

*skips back to work*

#12
SmashQueen

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It's great that you and your sister are doing well. :lol: And about that RP thing...well somehow it all turned into fanfic and original fiction ideas. ... Yeah, no idea how that happened either. Besides, as opposed to the nightmare rp (not...so fun...except for the rollercoaster), laughter is often a better medicine. Nothing beats laughing till there's a lack of oxygen...although as far as I know, I've never come close to getting someone to do that. >> (Okay, well maybe my cousin about 5 years back when she'd literally roll on the floor after I imitated some characters from Sly Cooper and Yu Yu Hakusho. >>)

Ah what the heck. *hug*

#13
Sierra

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Well, I've come to this late, and everyone already said everything important, so I'll just say this.

I'm sorry your sister had to go through such hurt, and I'm glad she's already healing. Your sister sounds like a wonderful, strong, talented person. I'm sure she will find someone who truly loves all of her someday. She's also very lucky to have a sister like you! I hope the best for both of you.

#14
Kori

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Thanks Sierra! :P No worries, we still really appreciate your kindness! <3

And that goes for all of you - andersam, Saifer, Nemoide, Kisuke, WATERLiLYCAT, Stevo, Noctourne, Smashy, and Penelopi - you're all freaking awesome! ^___^

#15
Dark Magician

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Unfortunately I came very late to this, but if you'll allow me to say a few words...

Please tell your sister not to give this young man another thought. If he can break off a close relationship with someone over something as superficial as skin tone and NOT feel bad after finding out how much he hurt her, then he probably wasn't worth it. ^_^ Someday he might come to regret this decision when the ideal girl he gets treats him like a whipping boy/atm machine. Also she shouldn't let him kill her love of drawing, since I believe that she might have possessed long before he came into the picture. She'll find someone better who appreciates her regardless of apperances and might surpass him when it comes to artistic talent.

Good looking out, Kori-san. :(




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